Speed Kills

One of the cardinal rules of negotiation is avoid "time pressure" at all costs. Put another way: try never to allow someone else (or yourself, for that matter) to pit you against the clock for any aspect of the negotiation. The reason is that the psychological pressure invoked by an inappropriate time frame may cause you to make a bad decision, or at least to forego a better, wiser decision, had you well, had enough time. Of course, there are times in life when you must act expediently and without sufficient "time" within which to analyze a situation. But hopefully those occasions will be few and far between.
Here's an example: I set out to partially remodel our master bathroom. Specifically, I wanted to pull out the original Roman tub and convert the space into a large, walk-in shower with frameless glass doors. And I wanted new beveled mirrors and a few other things. Not a huge project per se, but if you have ever dealt with contractors for a project in your home, you know that every job is huge. So, I gave myself a time frame of six months within which to interview, investigate and hire a contractor for the job. As it turned out, I only needed 4 months, but I interviewed nine different companies before I selected the right one. Yes, price was an issue, but so was integrity, competent communication, reputation, and something real but not necessarily palpabe: I had to like him/her as a person. I met with nine separate company representatives -- some of them more than once. But because I was not under a time "limit" or emergency situation, I had the ability to take my time in making the right decision. My instincts proved correct.
Had I been dealing with a bathroom emergency -- water leaks, broken piping, etc. -- it probably would have ended differently. But I had the luxury of time.
Experienced negotiators will often seek to put in place arbitrary time frames that suit them, of course, and not you, during the course of the negotiation. Comply with them at your own risk. Instead, ask why he needs a specific time frame or why there is such a cut-off date. Negotiate for a better option for yourself. There is enough to be concerned about in any negotiation: worrying about the other person's time frame should not be one of them.
Our mothers used to tell us, "Haste makes waste," remember? There was a reason for that adage. When we hurry ourselves (or allow ourselves to be hurried) we are spending the quality of time we need in focusing upon all of the important elements of the negotiation. We are more focused on complying with the time limit.
What should you do when you enter into a negotiation with someone who indicates that her time is limited but if you both "hurry up" you might be able to conclude the negotiation? Tell her that you're willing to re-schedule the meeting at a more appropriate time. Let her know that this negotiation is important enough to warrant that both sides have sufficient time to explore all of the issues and aspects of the negotiation.
Don't cheat yourself in negotiatin: always make sure there's enough time.

Using Body Language To Spot Liars in Mediations

How to read liars and learn the trick to telling a whopper - and getting away with it

By: Ben Paynter

You know your son better than anybody else does, but you can't tell if he's lying to you or if he's just nervous talking about cigarettes. Or maybe you have an employee who seems to have an unusually high frequency of doctors' appointments. If you were fluent in body language, you'd always know guile from gospel, says Marc Salem, a self-described mentalist who holds advanced degrees in psychology and cognitive science from the University of Pennsylvania and New York University, respectively. For the past 30 years, he has made a career out of reading people. He has taught interrogation tactics to the FBI, the Secret Service, and the New York City Police Department. Salem has even beaten a polygraph, and now he shares the secrets of his craft in his book, The Six Keys to Unlock and Empower Your Mind, out this month. Here, the master interrogator explains how to read liars and reveals the trick to telling a whopper--and getting away with it.

Best Life: How can you discern genuine from dishonest body language?
Marc Salem: Think of a conversation as a package of related signals. What you're looking for are breaks in a person's normal pattern, abrupt gestures like hand clenching or head movements, or someone shifting his posture away from you. Imagine you're watching the scene back as a video: You might think slowing down the frames will help you pick out inconsistencies, but with lying, it is just the opposite. In fast-forward, suddenly you see repeated movements that you didn't realize were there before, because at normal speed, they are spaced farther apart. They're sort of like guilty tics.

BL: Do all liars have tells?
MS: Yes. When you lie, you're subconsciously trying to get out of your own insides, and so you overly externalize. A person who covers his mouth with his left hand while talking is usually lying. If someone looks up and to the right, he's probably trying to invent an answer rather than tell the truth. People look to the left, either up or down, when recalling the truth. But the ultimate red flag is pupil dilation. Almost no one can escape that.

BL: Why do the pupils dilate?
MS: Pupil dilation is a direct biological response to an emotional reaction. It shows a high level of excitation. Anyone who is telling a lie, unless he's pathological, will experience some sort of emotional discomfort, no matter how slight. That discomfort registers in this uncontrollable physical response. You can't fake it, and it will give you away almost every time. The only way to tell a lie successfully is to use the tools of a method actor and become someone else. You have to believe what you're saying.

Is Your Company Working At a Standstill? You Need Activities for ...

Are you worried that the upcoming staff outing is going to be an all-out disaster? Maybe instead of horseshoes or badminton at your next picnic, you should think about activities for conflict resolution skills!

Conflict among staff and team members are typically symptomatic of misperceptions and disintegrated communication – in other words, your employees are probably acting a lot like this:

* Defensive or hypersensitive
* Fearful of reprisals and putdowns even if encouraged to speak
* Unwilling to see the “other side’s” point of view

Planning Activities for Conflict Resolution Skills...

If you’re planning a group meeting in the near future, this can be a good time to incorporate fun activities for conflict resolution skills. What should your planned goals be in planning activities for conflict resolution skills?

* Enabling everyone in your company to actually recognize and reframe their misperceptions – to understand how words were meant to be understood versus how they were interpreted.
* Giving your team a sense of “air time” through activities for conflict resolution skills so team members can identify their place in the group and the situation at hand.
* Give your staff a chance to see and experience another side to the great people they work with on a daily basis.
* Activities specifically designed for your staff and their unique challenges so that the lessons learned will be maintained long after the event is over and you receive a good return on your investment.

If conflicts run deep, it’s often advisable to bring in an objective professional to choreograph activities for conflict resolution. Your planned activities may stem from your best intentions, but if they are not designed and monitored carefully by a specialist, the process can blow up and potentially become worse than it was at the start.

Following is an example of of some fun and informative activities and programs we have had success with. This example will give you an idea of how to approach conflict resolution within your organization.

Orientation/Context:
Participants are given an understanding of the experiential program and how it can benefit them as well as their team, department and /or organization. Additional topics focus on personal safety, importance of support, how to enter the learning zone, and other key points that invite participation.

Paired Shares:
In a structured one on one format participants meet and converse with many different colleagues. Each conversation and the subsequent progression (4-5 different topics) are specifically designed to get the group more connected and comfortable with each other and help anchor points made in the previous context phase.

Shape It Up:
While seated and blindfolded the team must discover the answer to an equation that involves colored plastic shapes. This event requires clear and descriptive communication, open and non-biased listening, and consensus.

Diminishing Resources:
As work projects and demands continue to rise to a shrinking time line and budget, moods and effectiveness may deteriorate. This simulation catches the team assuming too much and supporting too little until one brave member begins to share his/her knowledge (thus reducing stress and effort) with the team.

Debrief:
At the conclusion of each simulation, the team is given an opportunity to assess their performance. Discussions involve the poignant insights they have gained or been introduced to and how these relate to their developmental leadership stage, career and/or office environment etc.

Sharing/Close:
Small group discussions regarding stages of leadership development and where they perceive themselves to be (i.e., novice, moderately competent, proficient). Or they can discuss one area in their realm where they’ve had a great breakthrough and one area that needs attention/support etc.

The groups will be brought together for the last time of the day/evening. This is a final opportunity for the entire group to share, cross learn and connect about key insights and critical points (i.e., leadership, communication, teaming, and shared successes) that were experienced during the program. Variation for constricted time lines: A representative from each team shares a highlight and insight about the teams experiences with the other groups.

This outline is an approximation only. The value of these activities comes not from the events so much as from the insight and dialogue the events inspire. Therefore, if learning from a particular event and subsequent debrief is going exceptionally well, we suggest you deviate from the aforementioned outline in order to solidify and deepen the learning potential. This will tend to promote further dialogue related to this subject at a further time.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kelly Graves is the founder and CEO of Internal Solutions Consulting. ISC specializes in organizational conflict resolution. With over 85 years of combined experience in organizational conflict resolution, Internal Solutions is able the quickly address conflicts within an organization to facilitate a more successful, productive and profitable communication environment. For more information about Internal Solutions Consulting please visit http://www.conflictresolutionusa.com

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Recommend Workplace Conflict Resolution: What's Creating Workplace ...

A radio interviewer recently asked me if I thought there was more conflict in the workplace today than in the past. After thinking about it, I replied, “Yes, I think there is more conflict today.”

Here Are 3 Main Reasons Why There Is More Conflict In The Workplace Today Than In The Past:

1. Today’s workplace is much more egalitarian. We have flatter chains of command, dotted line relationships, and primarily knowledge workers who are capable of making decisions themselves and have the freedom to move on to another job if they don’t like the way they are being treated.

In prior years, the workplace consisted of a clear authoritarian structure and chain of command. Workers obeyed orders, kept their gripes and personal issues to themselves, and did their work. If they failed to perform effectively, they were immediately fired and replaced.

2. Today, people of all ages from all over the world have come to work together. They have different values, goals, behavioral expectations and prior experiences. Yet they are expected to work together without really understanding why all the misunderstandings between them occur.

3. Women are now in the workplace in equal numbers to their male counterparts. Generally speaking, women are much less accustomed to following a chain of command than men. Most men grow up participating in organized sports where they are taught how to obey. Although some women are now active in sports, many more grow up playing creative games that didn’t have any particular organization or chain of command. In games like house, girls take turns in varying roles.

Although we’ve come a long way towards understanding each other and working harmoniously together in the workplace, there are still behavioral differences in teasing, flirting, confronting, aggression and simple communication styles.

Solutions To Conflicts In The Workplace

Clearly, these workplace issues are here to stay. How can we handle them? How can we change certain elements? Here are some of my ideas:

Dealing with Different People in the Workplace

Your organization is going to continue to have people of all genders, ages, cultures, styles and expectations working together. You need to provide them with:

• A common culture with clearly defined behavioral expectations. This includes policy, procedures, statements of corporate values and culture – and the follow through to hold people accountable.

• Diversity training that teaches how to manage different people as well as how to get them to cooperate at meetings and other group forums. Your organization needs to delve into training. Trainers need to understand cognitive and communication styles, values around politeness and dealing with superiors, as well as issues of pride, humility, conformity and all the other differences that cause conflicts in the workplace.

• Acceptance and recognition of the differences, so your organization doesn’t try to have a “one size fits all” method of managing.

• More attempts to help each other clear up disagreements and misunderstandings – rather than passing judgment and deciding who is right and who is wrong.

Management Style and Hours Worked

When management creates a clear set of guidelines as to work expectations and measures success rather than time spent, it will be easier for people to know what to do because the parameters are clear. Here’s what your organization can do to avoid conflicts in the workplace related to management styles:

• Publish policy, procedures, values, expectations, and guidelines. Since there no longer is a supervisor with a whip looking over each worker’s shoulder, it is these documents that guide your employees’ behaviors.

• Managers need to learn how to correctly manage different individuals to enable each person to be successful. Some people need more instruction and others need to be left alone to create. Some are more trustworthy than others and can be relied upon to know their own limits and decision-making authority. Others need to be managed more tightly.

• The quality and the quantity of the work should be rewarded, not time. Managers need to stop the subtle and not-so-subtle remarks about not seeing a worker on a Saturday or early in the morning.

• Employees need to have flexible time whenever possible. Some jobs require attendance at set hours. Most do not. People with young children at home might want to go home for a few hours in the late afternoon and return either to work, or to their home computer after their children have been put to bed.

• Recognize that less is often more. If people get to relax, have a family life, recreation, and pleasure, they are almost always more productive and creative during their working time.

Although conflict is here to stay, it certainly can be mitigated by taking the needs and differences of people seriously and by teaching them about each other and how to work together. Stop being afraid and start being kind.

With 30+ years experience in specializing in people and processes in the workplace, Organizational Development and Human Resource Consultant, ArLyne Diamond, Ph.D can teach your management team how to manage your organization effectively and efficiently. For more free tips that will help your organization increase its productivity by cutting the number of conflicts in the workplace in half go to: http://www.diamondassociates.net/articles

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Recommend The Importance Of Quick Conflict Resolution - Why A ...

Recently police had to be dispatched to the land of children's birthday parties in suburban Detroit. It seems that one patron was bothered by the fact that two individuals were spending too long in the photo booth. According to police reports, the patron had asked an employee to intervene. However the employee did not want to get involved and chose to avoid any confrontation with the duo in the booth. With impatient children in party hats waiting for a picture, customer decided to take matters into their own hands. Soon a fight ensued and not even a costumed Chuck E. Cheese could control the situation. What could have been resolved with simple customer service skills ended in multiple arrests.

The Chuck E. Cheese employee was fortunate to learn this lesson at a very young age. What they did was no different than what entrepreneurs, department managers, business owners, HR executives, and others do everyday. They avoid any potential confrontations with customers – both internal and external.

The customer's obvious message was one of frustration waiting for the photo booth. The real message the customer was sending was hidden in facial expressions, the enunciation of the spoken words, body language, and stance -- all of which can be easily detected after a short training session.

Let's look at what the clerk did.

The clerk used the most common conflict resolution style used in the business world today, avoidance. People can be difficult or uncomfortable dealing with seemingly negative situations. They make excuses for not getting involved. Here are three of the most popular excuses:

1. The situation will blow over - By walking away, the clerk may have assumed these adults would not resort to such childish behavior. The clerk probably thought once the couple walked out of the photo booth nothing more would have been said other than a sneer at each other.

2. It's not worth my involvement - Many times we focus on other problems over the current thinking in these situations are more important. This could be a salesperson who ignores one disgruntled customer to give more attention to a higher volume customer or the manager ignoring the needs of a coworker because a high-level report is due. Whatever the case, the internal or external customer will interpret the avoidance as meaning they are not as important as other aspects of one's business.

3. There's nothing I can do about it - When a person feels the cause is hopeless, avoiding the customer seems like a good time management tool. However the disgruntled customer never lets the situation drop completely. Instead they will tell an average of 11 friends and coworkers about their poor treatment. Think about the receptionist that ignores the fact that others are no longer bringing special projects to them. Eventually the coworkers wonder why the receptionist is even on the payroll. As the receptionist continues to ignore the situation, management eventually realizes that they need a new receptionist who will be a team player. Likewise a salesperson who ignores the fact that Mrs. Jones no longer buys from him or her and figures there is nothing that can be done to regain the business could be right. However not tring to do something means Mrs. Jones will tell a dozen others why they shouldn't do business either.

Doing a customer service checkup.

In all three scenarios just given, the customer, whether internal or external, will eventually find someplace else to buy. An internal customer who is a subordinate or coworker will probably elevate the problem up the chain of command. The external customer may complain, but is nine times more likely to just go away never to return again. Whichever ultimately happens, a serious business problem is likely to result.

Therefore it is extremely important to create a customer service culture to permeate every aspect of your business. This includes direct employees, contract employees, partnerships, and those with whom you network. Here are five warning signs that you or your organization is failing to give superior customer service*.

1. The customer is the most knowledgeable person - If you find your customer is the most knowledgeable person in the transaction, there can be no doubt customer service is lacking. It is surprising how frequently this occurs in the workplace.

2. Poor treatment of coworkers or networking partners - When you treat business acquaintances at any level in a poor manner it is a sure sign of customer mistreatment. It is very difficult for anyone to be an effective Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, being mean to one person and nice to the next. If associates are treated badly, that poor treatment will extend to the customers.

3. Lack of relationship ownership - When responsibilities are passed from one hand to another it shows a lack of ownership in a business relationship.

4. Excessive or secret policies - If a business is riddled with red tape, having policies for every transaction or movement, it is nearly impossible to deliver quality customer service. No customer relationship can be built on trust if the customer is constantly learning about new rules. It is no different than playing a board game with a young child who makes the rules every time it looks like they may lose. Just as the child frustrates their fellow players, customers become frustrated.

5. Problems must be handled in multilevel structured pyramids – Each time people involved in a problem must repeat the problem to someone new they become more agitated and angered. Employees and business associates at all levels need to be empowered to resolve situations as they arise.

Look at your business in light of these five steps. You can be assured that if any of these five are present, your business is not being maximized. Examine what you're doing and look for ways to make corrections.

For more information be sure to contact Maximpact at 248-802-6138 or via email to www.getmaximpact.com.

*From 8 Great Traits of Superior Customer Service, ©MaxImpact, www.getmaximpact.com. (used with permission)

================

Rick Weaver is an accomplished business executive with a wealth of experience in retail, market analysis, supply chain enhancement, project management, team building, and process improvement.

Rick career began in retailing as a stockclerk, eventually becoming the Director of Vendor Development at Kmart Corporation during it’s heyday. In this position he worked with hundreds of Kmart’s suppliers to improve mutual processes, procedures, and profits.

As a consultant, Rick has worked with companies in various industries to develop leadership and business strategies.

As an entrepreneur, Rick has founded or co-founded six successful organizations, including non-profit and for profit.

Now in his role as president of MaxImpact, Rick uses his vast experience helping individuals connect to their dreams and teams connect to a common vision.

Rick’s presentation style of blending humor, real life examples, and easy to implement ideas has made him a popular speaker at seminars, workshops, and conferences in in 43 states, Canada, and Puerto Rico.

(c) Max Impact Corporation

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Recommend Teaching Your Kids Conflict Resolution To A Friend.

If you're like me, you want to teach your kids how to resolve their little conflicts by themselves. Tattling is inappropriate attention-seeking behavior, and the tattler is rarely 100% free of responsibility.

Unless someone is bleeding, coughing up a lung or otherwise in danger, the rule in my house is: no tattling. Besides, a parent could spend their entire day mitigating sibling skirmishes! While saving yourself time, you could be teaching them an invaluable life skill.

Here is a great formula for conflict resolution:

1) Tell the person what you didn't like

2) Tell the person how it make you feel

3) Tell the person what you want in the future

4) Person responds with what they can do.

Here is how this played out earlier in my home.

7 Year Old comes up to me with that distinctive "informer" sing-song voice.

"Mommmeeee, 4 Year Old said SHUT UP to meeeee....!"

I feel tension because he knows the rule about tattling but I supress the urge to punish him.

"7 year old, I just wrote down this neat thing you can do to resolve conflicts with other people. I put it here on the fridge where everyone can see it. Do you know what conflict means?"

"No."

"Conflict is when two people are arguing. So here goes..."

And I explain the method. Then, I walk him into the playroom where 4 year old is hiding. (He has learned that "shut up" has much power over 7 year old but since Mommy doesn't allow "shut up" he fears a little time-out reminder.)

I walk 7 year old through it while 4 year old emerges from his hiding place.

"4 year old, I don't like it when you say "shut up" to me. It makes my feelings hurt. Next time I want you to not say "shut up".

I ask 4 year old what he can do next time.

"Um.....I can say sumfin nice."

Said children are playing in the living room again.

Mission Accomplished!

Carrie Lauth is the host of http://www.NaturalMomsTalkRadio.com She publishes an informative newsletter for Moms doing things the natural way. Get your copy plus free all natural skin care recipes at: http://www.Natural-Moms.com

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The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation

Is there now, or has there been, a person or two in your life that you have difficulty in maintaining a civil relationship with at times? It may be your spouse or lover; it may be a friend or a superior at work. We usually say "I have a love-hate relationship with this person."

Fight OR Flight; Attack OR Evade; Right OR Wrong; All OR Nothing; Win OR Lose - all are a form of what we can call "The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation." When we believe that a potential outcome has only two possible alternatives we come from a place of scarcity thinking and invariably add a good deal of stress to the system being addressed and limit what is possible.

In every interpersonal conflict both sides wind up wounded, albeit one side perhaps more than the other. Whenever a person feels that you must be wrong in order for me to be right, we invariably denigrate not only the other person's point of view, but their overall character as well. We move away from attacking the issues at hand, and get involved in attacking each other. Arguing between right and wrong is often simply an excuse to prove myself somehow superior to you. "With my superior insight, with my superior intellect and knowledge, with my superior position in the world, I look to show you how your perception of reality is incorrect." When I think of you and your opinions as being somehow inferior to me and my opinions, it is no wonder that you are not willing to agree with the opinions I put forth. In order to agree with my opinions, you would have to be willing to believe that you are somehow inferior to me.

When engaging in conflict resolution with others, staying locked into grappling between one of two possible outcomes requires that we both shut down our ability to notice additional alternative realities. When two individuals are locked into a confrontational mode of exchange, both parties to the conflict lose the possibility of acquiring information that might offer generative solutions that either side has yet to think of. We lose the possibility of understanding that in some important way, our limited range of thinking tends to make both of us somehow "wrong." Or, to say it another way, we fail to realize that "We are both, both wrong and right, at the same time." We lose touch with the fact that given new sources of information, both of us might come to a different opinion.

Often, the first step in successful conflict resolution requires that you acknowledge that your philosophy of fear and confrontation limits your ability to notice how a different way of thinking and a different way of using your body, would lead to a much wider field of possibilities.

For the average person, the more you feel attacked, the more you will look to defend. The more you look to defend, the more you narrow your field of vision, tighten up various muscle groups, and limit the flow of blood and oxygen in your system. And guess what happens at such times. When my adversary notices that I am preparing to defend, he perceives instead that I am preparing to attack him. What does he do in this instance? Why the very same thing that I am doing! He tenses up and prepares for the worst. In this moment of entering into mortal combat we get swept away by the vortex of fear and confrontation that is being generated by the both of us. When we react from this place of "high alert" on a regular basis, we quickly wind up weakening our immune system, and severely limit our ability to defend ourselves from the onslaught of physical and emotional disease. In Aikido this leads us to say that "The best defense is no defense," which is another way of saying "The less defensive you are, the better able you are to defend yourself."

Charlie Badenhop is the originator of Seishindo, an Aikido instructor, NLP trainer, and Ericksonian Hypnotherapist. Benefit from his thought-provoking ideas and a new self-help Practice every two weeks, by joining 7,000 subscribers to his complimentary newsletter devoted to Seishindo Somatic Life Coaching. You are also invited to learn more about the Seishindo approach to Anger Management issues, which draws from the wisdom of Aikido as well as scientific research. Participating in Charlie's on Anger Management Workshop can help you adopt the wisdom of Aikido to achieve a peaceful victory over anger.

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