Comments on: Victimology 101: Helping the Victim in Conflict Resolution http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/victimology-101-helping-victim-in/ Alternative Dispute Resolution Discussions Mon, 22 Mar 2010 09:18:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: Matt http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/victimology-101-helping-victim-in/#comment-20 Matt Fri, 19 Mar 2010 00:26:19 +0000 http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/06/victimology-101-helping-the-victim-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-20 I teach conflict resolution and mediation in Michigan. Your blog hit on a important topic I cover with the professionals who take my course: helping people to express themselves and feel heard without getting bogged down in the past. Some of my students understand this point; others really need to work at it. <br /><br />Empathy plays a big part in the transition from victim to problem solver. You need to listen to what victims say and to what they don't say. It will help you build trust so they feel comfortable talking about what they really want. <br /><br />You also need to identify with victims without isolating the other side, e.g. empathize with the other side and what they're going through by having to listen to all of this. When one person is rehashing his or her feelings, the other side may feell upset at the outpouring of emotion...fearing that it will derail the discussions or turn people against them. You can help prep them for this experience by setting the right expectations in the beginning about both sides getting the opportunity to be heard.<br /><br />Another way to avoid it is to transtion victims from the past through reframing and mutualizing needs and interests. More often than not, the people at the table have things in common. Tie issues raised to those things. Help them to identify with each other (if possible). And, make sure to tie a long, emotional discussion to the present and to the case at hand. It helps victims refocus and it lets the other side know there was a point to the whole thing.<br /><br />Sometimes I have defense attorneys tell me that they don't want to listen to (or expose their clients to) long emotional stories from victims. Some mediators try to shut those attorneys and defendants down by saying something like "well, you'll have to. It's what mediations about." Wrong answer. Maybe mediation is about talking, but NO they don't HAVE to do listen to anything. <br /><br />I take a different approach. I try to find out why they don't want to hear the victim's story. What are they afraid of? How do they think it will impact negotiations? Get them to acknowledge whether they see any merit in emotion at the table. They've obviously come to this conclusion for a reason, might as well find out why. <br /><br />I also ask the defense a "what if" question like "what if by listening to the victim's emotional story, they (the defense counsel and defendant) could get the case resolved today?" It's fun to watch their wheels turning at the possibilities.<br /><br />Matt Vititoe<br />Attorney and Mediator<br />www.americanlegalgroup.net I teach conflict resolution and mediation in Michigan. Your blog hit on a important topic I cover with the professionals who take my course: helping people to express themselves and feel heard without getting bogged down in the past. Some of my students understand this point; others really need to work at it.

Empathy plays a big part in the transition from victim to problem solver. You need to listen to what victims say and to what they don't say. It will help you build trust so they feel comfortable talking about what they really want.

You also need to identify with victims without isolating the other side, e.g. empathize with the other side and what they're going through by having to listen to all of this. When one person is rehashing his or her feelings, the other side may feell upset at the outpouring of emotion…fearing that it will derail the discussions or turn people against them. You can help prep them for this experience by setting the right expectations in the beginning about both sides getting the opportunity to be heard.

Another way to avoid it is to transtion victims from the past through reframing and mutualizing needs and interests. More often than not, the people at the table have things in common. Tie issues raised to those things. Help them to identify with each other (if possible). And, make sure to tie a long, emotional discussion to the present and to the case at hand. It helps victims refocus and it lets the other side know there was a point to the whole thing.

Sometimes I have defense attorneys tell me that they don't want to listen to (or expose their clients to) long emotional stories from victims. Some mediators try to shut those attorneys and defendants down by saying something like "well, you'll have to. It's what mediations about." Wrong answer. Maybe mediation is about talking, but NO they don't HAVE to do listen to anything.

I take a different approach. I try to find out why they don't want to hear the victim's story. What are they afraid of? How do they think it will impact negotiations? Get them to acknowledge whether they see any merit in emotion at the table. They've obviously come to this conclusion for a reason, might as well find out why.

I also ask the defense a "what if" question like "what if by listening to the victim's emotional story, they (the defense counsel and defendant) could get the case resolved today?" It's fun to watch their wheels turning at the possibilities.

Matt Vititoe
Attorney and Mediator
http://www.americanlegalgroup.net

]]> By: Stephen http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/victimology-101-helping-victim-in/#comment-11 Stephen Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:50:21 +0000 http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/06/victimology-101-helping-the-victim-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-11 Nicely said. People need to move on, but it isn't a "magic bullet" or "wandwaver" moment -- it is something that takes time and real work by the mediator. Nicely said. People need to move on, but it isn’t a “magic bullet” or “wandwaver” moment — it is something that takes time and real work by the mediator.

]]> By: People Wise http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/victimology-101-helping-victim-in/#comment-10 People Wise Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:08:07 +0000 http://www.conflictresolutionblog.com/2008/07/06/victimology-101-helping-the-victim-in-conflict-resolution/#comment-10 This is great advice. As an HR Consultant I am often called in to investigate complaints of Sexual Harassment or Discrimination and I find that in cases where a person has a "chronic victim" personality their complaints are not taken seriously enough even if they are valid. It is the boy who cried wolf scenario.<br/><br/>I warn my clients that EVERY complaint should be taken seriously no matter the personality of the complainer. With that said, however, I would caution that employers add language to their harassment policies that adds a disciplinary measure for false complaints.<br/><br/>Someone who uses a harassment complaint for something other than stopping harassment should be terminated! This is great advice. As an HR Consultant I am often called in to investigate complaints of Sexual Harassment or Discrimination and I find that in cases where a person has a “chronic victim” personality their complaints are not taken seriously enough even if they are valid. It is the boy who cried wolf scenario.

I warn my clients that EVERY complaint should be taken seriously no matter the personality of the complainer. With that said, however, I would caution that employers add language to their harassment policies that adds a disciplinary measure for false complaints.

Someone who uses a harassment complaint for something other than stopping harassment should be terminated!

]]>