That's a Fact, Jack: Emphasizing Facts in Conflict Resolution

I love facts. As a lawyer, mediator and an arbitrator, I so very much love facts! I love and respect facts because they're elements of the whole cloth of truth. For example, the temperature gauge outside my window reads 76 degrees. If I read the thermometer correctly, that's a fact. See the difference between that and, "I feel as though it's 76 degrees outside". That is not a fact -- that's a feeling. Where I am going with this is that one needs to be able to identify and rely on relevant facts when resolving conflict. Feelings change -- facts don't.

Fact Finding - Secrets of Resolving Conflict

Yes, yes, I know that feelings are important, too. But not in this particular post. Here, I'm advancing the beauty and wisdom of facts. It's important because: 1) many people cannot distinguish the difference intellectually; 2) just like assumptions which lead to false premises, ignoring or misconstruing the facts in a situation can quash any resolution; 3) the facts are signposts of the truth and can make or break a person's credibility, a lawsuit, or the resolution of a conflict.

The Facts, Ma'am, Just the Facts....

Let's start with the first. In order to prove the viability of my supposition that many people cannot separate facts from feelings, try engaging in a political discussion with someone on any subject relating to politics. Make sure that you are prepared by having some salient facts at your disposal. Watch how quickly the dialogue disintegrates into a discussion of feelings. "It's not fair that..." or "How can people live like that?" ... or "The big oil companies want us to suffer". If you interjected some facts into the discussion at various intervals, you might either be perceived as a savior or an interloper. Many people don't like facts that run contrary to their feelings. By the way, the discussion doesn't have to be political. Virtually any subject where facts are involved will do.

Facts Are Forever

As to the second, when you ignore the facts or relegate them to less importance than feelings, you are pulling the rug out from underneath yourself, to coin a phrase. In a conflict setting, clear, competent dialogue is all-important. [No, Dear, not at 2 AM when you're out alone and are being followed -- run!] If you're focusing on feelings rather than the facts your chances of a resolution that will stand the test of time are greatly diminished. In part this is because feelings are transitory -- they change -- while facts do not. If the fact is that I was born on April 1, that will always be a fact. Fifty years from now it will still be a fact. Nothing will change it. Even if I lie about it, it will not change the fact itself. Facts are immutable. That's the beauty of them!

People of the Lie

In my career, I have the opportunity to listen to hundreds of people from all socio-economic, racial, ethnic, cultural, religious and gender categories tell me their "truth". They either were giving sworn testimony (under penalty of perjury) in a trial, arbitration or deposition, or they were telling their story in a mediation. In all cases I have listened very carefully to what they have said. In many of the instances, the underlying facts of the situation did not support their testimony. What I mean is that the facts were contrary to what they had said. In some cases, the facts had been changed or altered to "support" their version of the events. And in some cases, the facts lined up perfectly in connection with their position or directly supported their testimony. Once again, a clear grasp of the relevant facts is undeniably helpful in making evaluations or assessments of credibility, circumstantial evidence, or even interpretation of direct evidence. It is critical in engaging in the dialogue that is necessary to resolving conflict.

There's an old saying in the law biz: If you have the facts, argue the facts. If you don't have the facts, baffle 'em with bull____. While I won't comment on the ethics of this adage here, I will say this: whoever invented it knew the importance of facts.

Don't Make Assumptions When Resolving Conflicts

There is an old adage that some of us have probably run across. It is, "Don't assume. When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." (For the uninitiated, look at the word "assume" and make the appropriate connections). But I think the real and more important reasons not to make assumptions -- about anything -- is because you'll probably never know the truth if you assume, and that leads to false premises. And false premises are akin to building a house on a pile of sand. Because the foundation is transitory, so is the house.

He's Just Not That Into You - Not!

Now I'm not talking about making the assumption that it's not logical or safe to swim in the ocean if you don't already know how to swim. That's a sure bet. I'm referring to making assumptions about other people, their agendas, their interests, their personalities without objective, concrete evidence. For example, you arrive at your friend's barbeque and find yourself sitting next to a very attractive, nicely dressed man. Although you take steps to initiate conversation, he responds very little and you assume that he doesn't find you attractive. So you excuse yourself and wander off to greener pastures. Later you discover (from your friend) that his father died a month ago, and the only reason he came to the barbeque was because of her friendly persuasion that he get out and socialize. His non-responsiveness, then, had nothing to do with you and was related to something completely different.

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

The most damaging assumptions are often made in negotiations and in those situations where clarity of communication is all-important. One (or more) mistaken assumption(s) can sound the death knell for the dialogue without any of the parties necessarily knowing or understanding why. (That is, of course, unless they really take the time to unwind the morass of the dialogue's tentacles to determine where they veered off course).

It is always better to ask questions in order to obtain the answer than to make an assumption and be wrong. People will be flattered by your questions -- they will take it as a sign of your interest and concern for them. Ask -- don't assume -- and observe how your communication and negotiations improve.

Don't Be Afraid of the "NO" when resolving conflicts

This posting is about one of the simplest, yet profound lessons I have learned in the art of negotiation and communication. People are not mind readers. Although you might assume they know what you want, trust me, they do not. This means that typically you cannot rely on someone's prescience to provide you with what you want. You'll have to be assertive and... dare I say it.... ask for what you want. Whether it's a certain price on something, a particular delivery date, or a concession in a contract you're negotiating -- it doesn't matter. Most of the time you must take the initiative and make a specific request. Yet a lot of people -- perhaps most -- don't ask for what they want. If you ask them why not, they'll respond that they're too shy, or they don't want the other person to think they're greedy, or they would be embarrassed to ask. Once in awhile you'll find that rare individual who will tell you this truth, i.e., "What if he says no? What do I do then?"

And here's the gravamen of the lesson: don't be afraid of someone's "No". If you let your fear or apprehension of being told "No" outweigh the importance of your agenda, you'll miss all the good stuff that's available to you if only you have the guts to ask. So for example, when I am in a particular situation where I want something(s) and I find myself hesitating to ask, I query myself: what's the worst thing that can happen if I ask? That he'll say "no"? So what? Then take it one step beyond that.

Ignore the No - Focus on the Positive

If you want something -- say, a discount on a volume purchase -- and you ask for it and the other person says, "No," don't leave it at that. Ask, "Why not? Why can't I have a discount -- after all, I'm buying three dozen of these widgets here, not three." What you may discover is that the other person's "No" was not cast in bronze. You might determine that there's a completely unrelated rationale for his "No." Why is that important? It's important because now you have the option to commence a dialogue with the other person, and such might actually result in your getting what you wanted in the first place. A discount. But if it doesn't, at least you tried to get it, you took the initiative and asked for it, and if it's that important to you, you (hopefully) have the option of walking away from the deal. Don't be afraid of the "No". Focus on the positive aspect of the "No". Ask questions until the "No" morphs into something else or you are satisfied that you approached the discussion from every angle. This is how you gain experience in communication and negotiation.